Whether you are living with family, friends, or a spouse, chances are if you have arthritis, you will sometimes need help. It may be for periods of months or just on a bad day or week. This can put a lot of stress on relationships and get you labeled as lazy or a drag.
Chores
My husband is wonderful, and takes it all in stride, but he always asks things like “do you want to help with the dishes?” If I know I shouldn’t because my hands are in too much pain, my answer is always, “Yes, I want to, but it would be a bad decision for my arthritis.” It’s good for both of us to keep in mind why I am not doing the dishes. Not doing something because of arthritis and not doing something because you are lazy look the same to someone on the outside. I often involve my husband in the decision too, I’ll say “today I had to drive so my hands are already more sore, do you think I should do dishes too, or should I let them rest?” Then he is involved and he will agree “no you probably should let them rest.” This makes it so I am not even the one deciding to not help, we are both deciding it together.
Intimacy
If my body is hurting too much, intimacy is a problem – even something as simple as holding hands or kissing can be painful if my hands or jaw are flared up. It is important for my husband to know that I am interested, just not feeling well, otherwise it can drive a wedge in our relationship. It also changes how I view myself. When I have moments of insecurity, I often feel like I am a bad wife. However, again, it has nothing to do with me. We both live with my arthritis, him as much as me, and it is not me as a wife telling him we can’t be intimate. Again, we will often decide together whether being intimate is a good idea, this takes the burden off me and helps him to understand exactly why it isn’t a good idea, so he has no doubts that something else is going on.
Outings
When I go out with friends or family, like shopping or to a movie, sometimes I get tired and need a change (go home early, take a break, go a different way to a destination). It can feel like I am a drag, bringing everyone down (see blog post on outings for more ideas). To help, I often talk about (and think about) my arthritis in the third person “Arya’s arthritis has flared up her knees and she needs to sit down.” It sounds silly, but it makes a big difference emotionally. I also have a big complex about not whining, and it sounds so much better as a factual statement that Arya’s arthritis demands something rather than that I am in pain. I don’t want sympathy from someone, I just want them to know where I am going and why. I have had tremendous success dealing with friends and family with this technique.
Work
Work is a topic for future posts, but it is really important to distinguish between what your disease needs and what you as an employee might want. I have an arrangement where I work at home a lot, but it is clear to everyone at work that I work at home for only one reason and that is my arthritis. They are confident, based on my actions and communication that anytime I am better, I will come into the office. I make sure I attend important meetings, but if something isn’t pressing, I make the best decision for my long term care. I also help them know that these decisions are good for them. I am staying home because it makes me a better employee now (less pain equals better work) and because it will help me be back in the office quicker by making sure I heal in the meantime. Again, this takes it from a selfish decision to a logical decision for all.
