For me, there have been two factors that impact how my friends react to my arthritis (and therefore how I talk to them about it). The first is whether I met them before or after I got arthritis. The second is how often I see them.
Post-arthritis friends and friends I see frequently
The friends I have made as more of an adult (when I already had arthritis), see arthritis as part of the package that is me. In this group are my closest friends, who I confide in and talk about being frustrated, being in pain, etc, and also my friends who I see a lot but am not as close to. With my really close friends, I share my frustrations with them, but I am still careful not to have it dominate our friendship or interactions. Really you should be complaining an equal amount as your confidants do, and don’t use up all that time just for arthritis. For both really close friends and pretty close friends, it actually strengthens the relationship if they feel like you trust them enough to share about your arthritis. They will also feel good about knowing they are tuned into your needs and that they won’t accidently upset you by asking you to join them on a hike or something (not that this would bother me, but they might feel bad).
When it comes to hanging out with these friends, I am totally upfront about what I can and can’t do. They don’t need an explanation of why (what joint is bothering me, etc.), but I will tell them that given my current health, I can’t go bowling right now, but I can _____. Don’t leave them guessing about what will work for you. Also, help them to understand that you are okay with missing some gatherings, or even coming a lot to watch. My friends know that I think people are more important that food or activities, so they should invite me to anything whether I can participate or not. This way I don’t have to keep our social group from doing something fun just because they feel guilty about me.
Pre-arthritis friends and friends I see irregularly
My college friends who knew me when I was “normal” have more trouble adjusting to my arthritis. I think it makes them feel uncomfortable and guilty when they hear about how “hard” my life has been, although of course, I don’t think it is “hard.” I tend to limit sharing about my arthritis with them. Even my best friends from college, who I keep in touch with, still respond slightly differently than the friends I have made after. I remind myself that they care just as much, but they are not sure how to react since I have changed from the person they knew. Over time, it has gotten better, but I have to remember to be patient and understanding of how it is hard for them.
I also share very little about my arthritis with friends I see irregularly. If you see them for one dinner once a year and you end up even spending 5 minutes talking about your arthritis, they may get the impression that you are obsessed with it (this happened to me). I know they care about what is going on with me, but it is hard for someone to understand anything about your condition if they only see you once a year. I tend to limit my communication to this: I let them choose whether to ask me about it, and if they do, I tell them that it is a process, but that I am heading in the right direction. That kind of answer tends to not produce any follow up questions and allows them to feel good about knowing I am getting better.
When it comes to hanging out with people from this group, I take a different approach than I would for the post-arthritis friends. Referencing back to the Managing Uncertainty post, I am more likely to plan an escape route than I am to talk about modifying plans ahead of time. If I am hanging out with them one on one, then usually I can influence the plans to be something I can do without even mentioning arthritis. I can say “I would be up for a movie, shopping, or mini golf.” I don’t have to say that I don’t want to go dancing or hiking because my body can’t handle it.
If it is a large group event with this group of people, then I will usually let the group decide what to do. If they are deciding to do something I can’t do (like going for a hike), I will ask if they are doing a meal before or after where I could join them. If it is something where I might be able to do part of the activity, then I will have my escape route planned and leave when I need to (I might even make up an excuse like cleaning/etc. if I don’t feel like even discussing arthritis).
No comments:
Post a Comment