Friends, Family and Arthritis – Communicating About Your Condition and Your Needs

I was 19 when I started having arthritis, so I have played a lot of roles from kid, to friend, to college roommate, to girlfriend, coworker, and now wife.  All of these roles present new challenges both for communicating about what is going on and for making sure the relationship doesn’t fizzle out during times where you are less mobile.

For me, I have developed different strategies for all of the groups of people I interact with (or have interacted with in the case of dating).  Since this would be a really long blog post if I put it all together, I am going to separate out my thoughts by group:  Friends, Parents, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Spouse/Partner, Coworkers/boss, and Strangers. 

There are two big pieces of communicating about arthritis with those around you.  The first is talking to them about your arthritis.  All my friends, family, close coworkers, and important management know I have arthritis.  I am fairly open about my condition, but I am also careful with over-sharing.  Each person and each relationship makes sharing more or less helpful or appropriate.  In the future posts, I will talk about what I have found works best for each group.

 The second is finding ways to interact with them within the constraints of your arthritis (and communicating this to them).  I have talked a little bit about some techniques in my Managing Uncertainty post, but I think there is an art to asking for what you need from each group of people.  Your relationship to them (spouse, employee, etc.) makes this interaction very different, so I have adapted my approach for each.  These techniques are also important when it comes to fighting isolation.  If you are unwilling to talk about your needs to your friends/family/etc, then chances are you will end up isolating yourself from their world (and your own social life). 

When dealing with all groups, I have the following two main rules:

1) Put yourself in their shoes.  They don’t know about arthritis and aren’t sure how to act, so if they say something insensitive or don’t say anything at all, give them a break.  Imagine if you saw someone who was blind.  You wouldn’t know whether to ask about it, offer to help, or ignore it.  Your arthritis is going to bring up the same confusion for them.

2) You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your arthritis.  You can tell them that you would rather not focus on it given your limited time together or if they don’t know about it, make up other excuses for what you need.  If people see that I have wrist braces on, I sometimes just tell them that I hurt my wrists and they are almost all better rather than sharing my personal issues.  Honestly, medical conditions, whether large are small, are very personal issues and it is your choice about whether you share.  The fact that arthritis is so personal is also why it is good to share with people you are close to.  Sharing about your arthritis can help you stay connected to the world around you and feel like you have the support you need.  Lastly, the strangers who will be mostly interested in prying about your arthritis are people who have family members with arthritis.  I tend to let my guard down and be more open (even if I run into them in a work situation) because it helps them feel better to hear about me.  However, when I share, it is because I want to share, not because I feel like I should.